Messing With Telemarketers

Telemarketers are such a nuisance in so many ways. But they don't have to be. I find it's best to take life's pains and turn them into pleasure. So here is a list of ways to make phone calls from telemarketers fun and enjoyable.

Order a pizza

This one works best if you identify a telemarketer before you even pick up the phone, with a caller ID for example. Don't even wait for them to talk, just start ordering pizza and see how long it takes for them to hang up on you.

You can always start simple and if they don't hang up early, get more and more extravagant. Hawaiian, Margherita, and Meat Lovers are all simple, and if they don't hang up after that, ask if they have any pizzas with grapes, or chocolate, or salmon. Just make it stupid and fun, and see if they go along with it.

Chances are, they wont.

Sell them something

They're always trying to sell you something. Turn the tables on them. Try to sell them something of yours. Anything, a couch, a fridge, your pokémon card collection.

Start by asking a bunch of irrelevant questions, like if they earn more than twenty thousand dollars a year, ask if they're the bill-payer in their household, ask if they'd like help on their credit, etc.

If they're still with you after that, ask if they'd be interested in whatever product you have to offer. Here's the trick, you have to stay on the phone longer than them. You cannot hang up. I was on the phone with one guy for ten minutes before he got bored.

Go deaf

This one is a really good way to get out of a phone call without just hanging up on them. Say "Hello?" wait a little bit and then say "Hello?", and that's basically it. Just keep saying "Hello?" and "Is anyone there?" until you think you've made your point. You can hang up, or keep going until they do.

Say Yes

...To everything. In fact, all you can do is say yes to any question they ask you. Until they hang up, you have a one word vocabulary. This one will surprisingly take a long time, because telemarketers are notorious for asking questions where they want you to say yes. You might find the phone call going on for more than five minutes before they ask an open-ended question.

Phone a friend

This one also works best if you work out who they are before you pick up. You'll also want to get a friend to help you. The situation is that you're the host of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and the contestant has just asked to phone a friend.

So when you pick up, immediately explain who you are and what you're doing. (You're the host of a game show and Bill or John or someone has asked to phone a friend, then say you've got thirty seconds.)

Hand the phone to a friend and give them thirty seconds to ask a question, and give four possible answers. As soon as the thirty seconds are up, hang up, even if it's half-way through a sentence. Really stupid and simple questions are hilarious, like "What is the colour of the sky?", but it's also fun to make it seem as realistic as possible.

I actually once had a telemarketer answer the question correctly like nothing was out of the ordinary.

Murder someone

This one is a classic. When they start trying to sell you something. Go along with it. Seem genuinely interested in what they have to say and make it sound like you're actually going to buy it. Then completely out of the blue, even half way through a sentence, start screaming like you're being killed. Just go absolutely nuts.

Then, while still screaming, hang up.

Go and get your dad

This one is good for messing with them without putting any effort in whatsoever. When they ask if you're the bill-payer in the household or whatever, say no, and then tell them you're going to go and get your dad. Put the phone down somewhere and leave it there. Put it on speaker so you know exactly when they hang up, and just see how long it takes them to get bored.

If you're with friends; place bets on how long it will be before they hang up.

Serenade them

Sing them a love song. If you're not the musical sort of person, put the phone up to a speaker and play a love song. If you like, you can give a quick intro like a radio DJ would. Say something about love song dedications in a really smooth, deep voice before you play a really cheesy love song. This one can actually make someone's day if you make it sound genuine.

Redirect their calls

If you come to recognise telemarketers numbers, you can use certain programs such as Skype and Google Voice to redirect specific numbers to any other numbers. You can send telemarketer's calls to your friends, your enemies, anyone. There are people who redirect telemarketers to the church of Scientology, annoying receptionists, even sex lines.

Of course nothing is more satisfying than sending their calls to other telemarketers. Seriously. Redirect every call from a telemarketer to another telemarketer.

Call them back

This is absolutely my favourite one. I had this one telemarketer who called me over and over and over. It was the same guy every time. It got to the point where I remembered his name and memorised the number on the caller ID. I saved the number in my phone as "telemarketer" so I knew who it was every time he called.

Whenever I got bored, I called him. I called him just to see how he was doing, ask him if he wanted to do something after work, maybe get a drink or see a movie, I even asked him for directions when I was lost once. The best part was probably calling him by name when he picked up the phone.

Of course, the conversations never lasted very long, and he stopped calling me after that, so I left him alone. But for that month where we called each other multiple times a week, it was pure bliss.